2005-09-22

The Williams Scam: My reply


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Well, time to get moving with those crazy Nigerians. I have reviewed Barrister Ike's business proposition, and well, how can I refuse? It seems that one couple's fatal plane crash is my gain. So be it. My reply in .pdf form, or read on ...
Barrister Ike,

It is a great honor to make your acquaintance, yet at the same time I am saddened that it took a tragedy such as the death of your clients the Williams' to connect us. It is apparent by how carefully you've seen to the acquisition and liquidation of their assets without allowing integrity to get in the way, that Mr. and Mrs. Williams were more than clients to you – they were your friends. Please accept my convalescences.

A great tragedy this was, too. I believe I remember hearing of it on the news – only I had heard that it occurred in Montreal instead of Kano, and that it was a commuter train instead of a plane, and that the couple had four of their five children with them. Other than that (and we certainly know how the media can screw up the minor details when they get ahold of something, do we not?), the story is a perfect match – I remember being moved at the time, and wishing I could do something for the family. Now it appears that my wish might come true. By the way, if there were any surviving children that you forgot about, please pass along my convalescences to them. If not, then perhaps you could pass along my convalescences to someone else.

How moving it was to hear you quote the disciple, John, when you mentioned the truth setting you free ... Amen, Brother Ike! As a coincidence, one of my favorite Bible passages is also found in John, where Jesus instructs us that if we remain faithful we should ask for whatever we wish and it will be given to us. As I am an honorable man, so are we both, both honorable men, I am not too sanctified to let you know that just recently I prayed to God about the need for funding for our new ministries at the Life Center. I had asked for $20,000,000, but I guess $10,000,000 will
get us started if you are so inclined to allow us to honor the Williams' by carrying on God's work in their name.

I do have a personal question – it may seem strange but I shall share my reasons for asking momentarily. You had mentioned that the Williams' had much property like lands, house properties, etc. which you sold off. Did they happen to have any baseball cards? The reason I ask is that I've been trying to track down a '62 Hank Aaron for several years now, and a dealer friend of mine (he deals baseball cards, not drugs ... at least as far as I know, I mean I'm not with him all the time) mentioned that a lot of the Topps 50's and 60's sets wound up in Nigeria. If Mr.
Williams did happen to have some of these, I would be more than happy to send you some funds from my personal account to cover the cost of re-acquiring these cards and a little extra for your effort. Just let me know.

Speaking of accounts, I know all too well the hassles of dealing with the bank. The other day I had to open up a passbook account. Even after I had made an initial deposit of $350,000 they still wouldn't give me a free coffee mug. They said that those were for the new checking accounts. Well, I already have one of those – what I don't have is a coffee mug! How amateur did I look coming out of there without any parting gifts!?

Barrister, if I may be so bold – you seem to be kind of hard on yourself about your past. Don't be. I know a certain other person who also had some skeletons on his clothesline. He liked to pick on Christians. He would throw rocks at them, and gave them no end of hassle. I think you know who I'm talking about ... that's right, Stevie Simpkins, a kid I went to fourth grade with. Well, Stevie is living proof that people can change. At some point Stevie put down his stones and picked up a semi-automatic weapon. Last year it all finally caught up with him when they fried him for his sins in the electric chair at the state pen in Austin. I guess my point is that you should be thankful you saw the light before they fried you.

Now you and I have the chance to do something good here, and to atone for our “sins.” Let's serve God and honor those who have gone before us. Let's do it for Stevie! Let's do it for the Williams'! I would dearly love to share with you all that we have going on here at the Life Center, so that you can know in good conscience that the Williams' money will always be hard at work for righteousness. I stand at the ready to do whatever is necessary to get this good work of ours underway!

Sincerely,

Avery Lunch
Senior Enthusiast
Life Center Ministries


We'll see how it goes.

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