2006-01-04

Tonight I'm a Texas Fan!


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I'm stoked about tonight's game because it promises to be great. I really don't like either team but, for one night, I'm a hardcore Longhorns fan. Why? BECAUSE I'M SO FREAKING SICK OF HEARING HOW GREAT THE TROJANS ARE!

Earlier I wrote that during the dead zone between the end of the regular season and the good bowl games we'd be deluged with stories about graduation rates and the need for minority coaches. Not so this year. Instead ESPN was satisfied to spend a month saying that USC is the most dominant team ever, each and every night.

"OK, how would USC do against the Hurricanes of '01?"
"Blah, blah, blah, stifling defense, blah, blah, blah, team speed."
"Yeah, but don't forget that the Trojans have Reggie Bush."

Forget? How could we when we can't go more than 15 seconds without hearing his name?

I mean ... *screen gets all wavy and music turns mysterious ... looks like we've got a flashback on our hands!*

Bob Swerski: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Bill Swerski's Superfans. I'm Bob Swerski, sittin' in for my brother Bill, who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack. With me as always are the Superfans, Once again, we're comin' to ya from Corso's Restaurant in the heart of Los Angeles, home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod over the competition in the Rose Bowl. A team that is known as.....Da Trojans!
Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs) Da Trojans!
Todd O'Conner: Why are we so blessed?
Bob Swerski: Now when we were last privileged to observe Da Trojans, they were playing UCLA. The final score of that game was 66-19, and I shant say who won. Pat, what happened? Pat Arnold: I think its pretty obvious Coach Carrol had his mind on more important things.
Carl Wollarski: There was a war on, my friend.
Todd O'Conner: Thats right, our boyssss were overseassss.
Pat Arnold: Yeah. Leinart was probably too busy helping find Al-Zarkawi. But you know gentlemen, I'm also starting to think of the NASCAR season coming up.
Bob Swerski: Yeah?
Pat Arnold: The Daytona 500'll be hear before ya know it.
Bob Swerski: Well, at least the outcome of that is in question. Who do you gentlemen like in a race? Now the favorites are Mark Martin, and Dale, Jr.
Pat Arnold: I like Dale Jarrett.
Carl Wollarski: Dale, Jr.
Bob Swerski: Now what if Da Trojans were to enter the Daytona 500? Uhhh, what would you predict would be the outcome, huh?
Todd O'Conner: How would they compete?
Bob Swerski: Well, let's say they rode together in a big bus.
Carl Wollarski: Is Reggie Bush driving?
Bob Swerski: Of course.
Carl Wollarski: Then I like Da Trojans!
Bob Swerski: Sure.
Todd O'Conner: Yeah, I gotta go with Da Trojan Bus!
Superfans: Da Trojan Bus!
Carl Wollarski: Bus full of Trojans!
Pat Arnold: See, I don't know, you know, I may still have to go with Jarrett, you know? But you guys figure it out.
Bob Swerski: That's all right Pat. There are no easy questions in this life my friend. Except for one, that of couse being the triumphant party at the Rose Bowl.
Pat Arnold: I know of whom you speak. ...
Bob Swerski: Let's just say that the winner shall be a certain team, from a certain Pacific town, that starts with a "Los", ends with an "Angeles." (The Superfans raise their beer mugs in agreement)



Bill Swerski: Alright, we're talking here, live from Corso's, in the heart of Los Angeles, home, of course, to a certain football team, which has carved out a special place in the pantheon of college football greats. That team, which is known the world over, as.. Da Trojans!
Superfans: Da Trojans!!
Bill Swerski: Okay. Okay, by my watch, we're about thirteen minutes from game time. As you are sure aware, Da Trojans are getting ready for the Rose Bowl against Da Texas Longhorns. Now, let go around the room for some predictions. Pat?
Pat Arnold: Da Trojans, 62 to 3.
Bill Swerski: Okay. Todd.
Todd O'Conner: Trojans. 79-zip.
Bill Swerski: Oh, really? You don't think that Da Longhorns will score?
Todd O'Conner: No, I do not! Da Trojans defense is like a wall. You can't go through it!
Bill Swerski: Alright. How about you, Carl?
Carl Wollarski: I say Trojans, 52 to 14.
Pat Arnold: Oh, what? Come on!
Carl Wollarski: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I gotta give Da Texas credit - I think they'll give Da Trojans a game!
Bill Swerski: Alright, leave him alone, that's his prerogative! As for my prediction.. at game's end, uh.. there will be two teams of contrasting moods heading off da field, my friends. One gloom, one gleeful. The gleeful, of which will be.. Da Trojans!
Superfans: Da Trojans!!
Bill Swerski: 74 to 2! ... Alright, alright! Now, let me shift gears here for a moment. What is God's role in this? Obviously, he's rooting for Da Trojans.
Pat Arnold: Otherwise, he wouldn't have put 'em at USC.
Carl Wollarski: That's right.
Bill Swerski: That's right. Da question is: Now, did God create Da Trojans, and make them superior to all teams? Or is he simply a huge fan, and Reggie Bush made them superior to all other teams?
Carl Wollarski: That's a tough one. [ Waitress interrupts ]
Waitress: Alright, guys, here's your food. Who had da avacado loaf?
Pat Arnold: I had da avacado loaf.
Waitress: Alright. Bud Light.
Carl Wollarski: I had da vegetarian omelette!
Bill Swerski: Yeah.. please, next time, bring da food during da commercials, darling, alright?
Waitress: Just doing my job.
Bill Swerski: Yeah, alright. [ Waitress exits ]
Bill Swerski: Okay, well.. I see now that it's almost time for the foregone conclusion that is the Rose Bowl.
Pat Arnold; Not gonna be pretty!
Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Trojans were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what's your score of today's game?
Carl Wollarski: Against Da Texas?
Bill Swerski: Yes, give 'em a handicap.
Carl Wollarski: Trojans 18, Texas 10. And that would finally be a good game.
Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Trojans 24, Texas 14.
Todd O'Conner: What about Leinart? Would he be mini, too?
Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.
Todd O'Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Trojans 31, Texas 7.
Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Leinart.
Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Trojans, they don't make it, big surfing accident.. and the only one who shows up is Reggie Bush. Bush vs. Da Texas. Okay, score, gentlemen.
Pat Arnold: Alright, without Leinart there, I gotta say Bush 17, Texas 14. He just barely gets by.
Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Bush field goal. [ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]
Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Corso's. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Bush vs. Da Texas. Now, remember, it's only Bush, not the regular Trojans team.
Danny Sheridan: Okay. I'm gonna say the Texas by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.
Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from Dallas?
Carl Wollarski: He lives in Texas, eh, Pat?
Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I'm concerned.
Danny Sheridan: No, it's just that.. it's one guy, you know-
Bill Swerski: Yeah, that's alright. Just take your cowboy hat and go home! Get outta here, Danny!
Todd O'Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun! [ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]
Bill Swerski: Alright, now let's get back to our discussion. Trojans vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.
Pat Arnold: The whole choir?
Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone - the whole nine yards.
Pat Arnold: Angels.
Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it's close.
Todd O'Conner: Trojans!
Bill Swerski: Alright. Leinart vs. God in a golf match. Now, he's a good golfer.
Pat Arnold: Leinart.
Todd O'Conner: Lei-nart!
Carl Wollarski: Leinart.
Bill Swerski: Well, I see they're setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it's game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Alright, now Trojans vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?
Superfans: Da Trojans!!

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